It’s only the 10th day of January and my intended resolutions have already been broken. (sigh) Time is my worst enemy and the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach is a symptom that I’ve squandered it. The days when I think I’ve totally got this together are the days where I’m humbled low. It’s not even a full moon.
Wednesday morning I felt like all the planets were aligned. I am SO not a numbers person but my books were reconciled; both for work and PTA. I was in the midst of devouring the book, The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh and was attempting to count my gifts (via Ann Voskamp’s 1000 gifts) and I was on cloud nine.
Reality returned. I missed a rebate for our smartphones which (per phone) would be $200 back. I am always very good at sending in for these things but I realized I was too late the day after it was due. After much gnashing and wailing to no avail; I had to let the fact go that I just wasted $400 in rebates. And when I picked up my youngest child at catechism (Catholic religious education) I gasped as I realized they were being tested for Penance (First Confession) and he did not pass. I was distraught and the teacher patted my shoulder and gently told me, “He still has time.” Sadly, he would have passed had I only taken the time to work with him on the milestone ritual. His prayers had been memorized but we had never practiced the actual procedures of Penance.
In my free time I became complacent. It is my fault we missed our rebates; just as it was my fault I got lazy with Charlie’s religious education. I howled like an angry Mommy yesterday; it was not pretty. I apologized to my family how I was a bad Mommy and warned them that maybe I was getting dementia; like my own mother did. The boys know to give Mom her space and I shut myself in my room and gave myself a time out. I am a bad Mommy, I am a bad Mommy…
To calm down I lit a candle (pic above) and noticed it was named Thanksgiving. That reminded me to count my 3 gifts for the day. I had lit the candle to dispel the fumes from the varnish Dave and I had just painted my shelves with downstairs; which we ended up moving into the garage since the smell was noxious. And as I stared at the candle I noticed the silver box behind it; given to me by a dear friend in San Diego whose husband just deployed to Afghanistan on Monday. And I cried. I had been crying at school, too, as I finished the The Language of Flowers sitting in my car (the book content was making me cry) and a mom had to stop by to ask if I was okay as I sat in the pick-up line.
I found the Joy Dare card and was to find: a gift held, a gift passed by and a gift sat with. I held the silver box in my hand full of beautiful messages from my dear friend and realized this would be my gift held. I immediately texted her to let her know I was thinking of her; something we rarely do since she is not a texter. I heard purring nearby and my remaining cat, Stormie, playfully jumped around me. I determined she’d be my gift passed by. A few minutes later I heard the footfalls upon the stairs as Dave sat beside me. CRAZY! It was all random and unintentional and after just a few minutes of consideration; all my gifts for the day were right before me.
Gratitude is a learned trait. My goal of maintenance is going to be very, very hard.