The full moon rises…
And I rage. I yelled at our employee across the shop’s expanse as he stared at me. One of my glaring faults is in watching my tongue. I do not tolerate people who disrespect my kin; including my f@#%ing dog. The employee made the above statement to the hubs; his employer. Our canine has come to work with the hubs for as long as we’ve had him; approximately four years. My succinct words that we, “left our dog home so his bark wouldn’t annoy you” angrily percolated out; continuing to stir the pot. Our furry canine will now spend work hours patrolling our backyard. I was proud of the hubs when he calmly stated, “Please do not kick the dog; it’s like you are kicking me. The day you choose to do it will be your last day here.” This employee has been with us for ten years.
It is only mid-week and I rubbed my temples together amidst the mess. We have conferred with the almanac and the full snow moon arrives with cupid’s arrow; February 14th at 6:54 PM. My sons have been forewarned. They know what that means.
Our conference room was also full, mid-afternoon, with various family, vendors and old friends passing through. Amidst the craziness I tried to remain hospitable and, eventually, did make peace with the above employee; with hugs at the end. But I explained that I needed to vent my anger, to be transparent, to be able to forgive his outburst. If I did not my resentment would continue to build and boil over. He apologized profusely for his rude behavior towards the hubs. He still dislikes our dog. Though my outburst wasn’t ideal we all finally are communicating. It is never pretty; nor easy. But it clears the path for change and reconciliation. Or termination.
Sing it loud & clear. Transparency.
I take deep breaths. I think of the phone call with a dear friend as she struggles with physical issues; my heart wrenching in two. Life is not fair! After the call I headed, early, to the church to pick up children from catechism (Catholic religious education) in hopes to sit in the silence of the pews to catch my breath and mouth a prayer. Instead I arrived to a traffic jam, at the sole entrance, into the parking lot. The church was full of high schoolers and the quiet moment of solitude was not to be. Instead I stood in line with parents.
Drama unfolds within family as a niece struggles with her pregnancy. I find myself in the role of counselor as I listen to her hopes and fears. I think of the tough road that lies ahead and hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive those who have hurt her. I thought of my own pregnancies; the joys, the fears. Again my heart saddens. Life is not fair!
I stared at the dishes on the table; crumbs and remnants of our dinner. I was too tired to pick it all up. The butternut squash soup was not a hit. After a long day at work, the hubs and I cooked. But there is no satisfaction in cooking when it is left, uneaten. Not one son liked the soup. At. All.
Life. It is messy.
The gravitational pull of the lunar cycle is taking its toll. Craziness is everywhere. And it all leads up to Valentine’s Day.
For years I’d sweep up the crumbs; cleaning up. I get agitated when I see a mess and clutter; my mind not able to focus until everything is put in place. But with kids and schedules I have had to learn to let things go. Sometimes seeing the crumbs reminds me of what I have. My girlfriend’s quote comes to mind…
Life is what happens when you are busy making plans.
The crumbs of my life have been swept up in a tidy bin; stored and forgotten. I wanted to forget the tragedies, the inequities and messy things in my life that have happened to me. But these broken, jagged and messy remnants have made me the person I am. They define me. And so I recall them, piece by broken piece. And I am empowered. I have survived. I know how this life ends. It is between these two points that I have to make my choices and pathways; amongst the lunar craziness. I need to let things go. To go with life’s messy flow.
Like water off a duck’s back.
I cannot control the craziness that happens around me; the things that make life unfair. I always want to; my willful personality overriding my rational mind. I need to master mental discipline and cope with the mess that is always present. Each weekend when I clean my home I think of how happy it makes me to see clean, simple lines without clutter. But it is how we cope with the messy that makes us better and stronger. If I can do this with grace and panache; it would make my life Simple. Enjoyable. Grateful.
But for now I stare at my colorful and full calendar; crossing out dates and adding new ones. My heart palpitates as I think of the end-of-the-school year and the craziness that marks my life as a working mother of three. Within a two week period I have: concerts, spring programs, First Holy Communion celebrations, a 3-day camping weekend, theme parks, picnics, promotions and graduations. Deadlines now change as I think of the piles of paperwork upon my desk at home. And so I organize and plan. Maybe if I am mentally ready the stressful little details will not derail me when this time comes. Mental discipline. Go with the flow.
Then I look at my schedule for today. Yee gads! I have empty Valentines day cards, kids’ golf and running schedules and a booster club meeting; all within a five hour period. When the 13 y/o stated he needed 9 X 12″ poster board, yesterday afternoon during our crazy work day, I told him to walk to the grocery store and purchase one. He had only known about this assignment for two weeks and, of course, it’s due today! I came home to a mess as this son scoured all of our closets and organized craft areas to search for paper. Popcorn kernels lie beneath my kitchen table and I had attempted to pick them up last eve. This same cycle will most likely be repeated this evening. And the next day…and the next.
And then one day my house will be sterile and quiet. My sons will have grown and the hubs and I will stare across at each other and wonder how time flew by so fast. I share this thought with him across the office as he quotes customers on his computer. It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow I say. The bff’s text reminded me; her husband wishing her this sentiment today. We both text “LOL” simultaneously. We have no plans. Normally we make a fancy dinner with our family of five. The boys like the fanfare with our fine china. Currently we have no food in our fridge. (sigh)
Yep. Going with the flow in my crazy life. And the moon continues to grow full. Happy Valentine’s Day (tomorrow). LOL.