Family, friendships

comin’ out

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show
I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

There’s a new me coming out
And I just have to live
And I wanna give
I’m completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Oh, I’ll make it through

The time has come for me
To break out of this shell
I have to shout
That I am coming out ~ Diana Ross

The words keep comin’ and it’s about time.  My fingers can once again fly across the computer and piano keyboards; finding their way.  When the words don’t magically form, music becomes my muse expressing where my thoughts lie.  My household knows this about me and I’ve just recently noticed that my children, too, have their own “theme music” representing their moods.

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In over twenty years of knowing one another our marital relationship sometimes resembles tug ‘o war.  The hubs usually gives a gentle push while I reciprocate with a forceful shove.   We tend to cancel each other out; finding a middle ground but lately I’ve been shoveling it out and it was time he gave it back in return.  He lets me know that I’m stuck like a broken record; ruminating on the same things.  It is rare that my introvert husband takes me on but when he does; his words slice through the bull and cut right to the truth.  It is why we are still married.

You’d think I’d know better than to push him around and he knows I stand my ground.  But he also reminds me when to tug back the rope; to relent and compromise my stance.  This will always be my struggle; the battle to win and be right.  These days I try not to push too hard.

Sometimes when I come right out and say things they appear harsh.  It takes me time, sometimes, to say what I mean but when I finally do my alpha personality comes out.  I have only learned to mediate with others because I have had to deal with the aftermath of inserting my foot in my mouth; multiple times.  But it takes courage to own what you say; to work on being authentic to who you are to not try to please others.  Putting oneself out there is much harder than being safely within one’s own walls.  Trust me, I know.  And the person that always puts themselves out there, again and again knowing they will be judged, will have my utmost respect.

I’m comin’ out and I’m ready to bring it.

And so I acknowledge the white elephants and answer the hard questions that I usually sweep under the rug for another day.  I push through the issues on the backburner and finally feel relief that I can speak my words.  The texts rapidly came through my mobile; wondering what brought this on.  It is only as I’ve navigated through the various relationships and associations in my life that I can gain perspective and realize where it is that I stand.  And the conclusion I arrived at was that I tend to stand alone.

It is hard to walk the path of authenticity.  I can easily tip toe the happy medium; the tightrope of political correctness and mediation.  But now I see that at times I just have to leap and put myself out there; knowing the things I have to say are the least popular.  My delivery could use some improvement but it is my goal in this life to finally be true to who I am.  Integrity trumps popularity.  It is my girlfriend who allowed me to see this; the one who left the comforts of her nice life and chose the harder path and go it alone with three girls.   The one who also created our reading group.

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I am humbled with this knowledge.  It’s not your monetary worth, your highest level of education or your job title that marks the person I respect.

It is one who can pick themselves up, after being knocked down, and willingly give the best part of themselves each and every time. 

Those who judge behind high walls and closed doors don’t live life.  That’s not who I want to be.  And a year ago, that was exactly me.

And so we push each other to be the best that we can be; these two women that I walk with at 5:30 AM.  The mud run we are signed up for is sooooo out of our comfort zone but we are rising to the challenge.  And we do it, not because it’s the in thing to do.  We’re doing it together as women to build each other up, not tear each other down.  We push only for ourselves.

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Because we’ve all realized that when someone else does the pushing (to be more, to be something or someone you are not) that we are not doing our spouses and kids any favors.   I think of the swim meets, the track races, the things the hubs and I wanted for our boys for fun.  But it was when it became something else, to be the best, that it became a noose.  The years of sitting at the piano bench, hammering out scales and chords, from age five to sixteen, kept me away from the keyboards.  It is only decades later that I can once again sit before the ivories, reading music, not because I have to but because I want to.   The words and music continue to pour forth, coming through once again.

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