I want someone to tell me how to get through the bad days.
- When the hubs arrived at work he found our motorized gate broken. Again. Hours are spent dismantling the motor and eventually removing it.
- When I drive into our parking lot I watch a woman dump clothes on our public easement. I yell to her to pick-up her used clothes and she walks away. I am left to put them in our trash bin.
- The J-bolts from the platers are mottled and rejected. It is when we question the quality that we discover they’ve also increased their price with new ownership.
It’s days like this when we feel the burden of small business.
Hours in labor spent maintaining our building and equipment. Picking up other people’s messes. Whether it’s used clothes, low quality plating or just unprofessional practices we are left to our own devices. Most times we eat the cost.
- At home I stare at the washing machine wondering why it won’t spin. Again, the hubs spends time dismantling.
- I walk into bedrooms with overfilled hampers because sons don’t understand to lift the lid to place the dirty clothes, inside the receptacle. I yell to my sons to pick-up their clothes and they walk away. “Okay, Mom,” is all I get and so I leave the mess.
- I look at progress reports with grades that I cannot accept. I question the quality of time my boys put into their studies since their primary responsibility is to do well in school.
I feel the burden of parenting tweens and teens.
After work I spend time maintaining our house and appliances. I am cleaning up my family’s messes in the place that is supposed to be my sanctuary. Whether it’s dirty laundry, dishes or irresponsible sons who make poor choices and don’t have their priorities straight, I feel the mental and emotional cost.
I am spent. Financially. Physically. Mentally. I tell my husband, I am done as we dejectedly sit across the desk at work. He is too.
This past weekend, my father in-law (FIL) requested the help of our eldest son with the upkeep of a car. Eight hours were spent doing various things as the grandfather passed his car knowledge to his grandson. First he was under the hood learning about the parts of the motor. Later I found myself stepping over my husband and son, under the car, as they discussed what to do with the oil pan while my FIL stood nearby supervising and instructing. Finally, bemused, I pulled up a chair as I listened to the grandfather explaining to the grandson how to detail a car interior.
I found myself detailing my own car’s interior. It had been untouched for years and as I scrubbed and emptied the Simple Green spray bottle, my seemingly random, disorganized thoughts formed together.
When you don’t do what you love or love what you do, it makes getting up in the morning that much harder. It’s not realistic, sometimes, to love life.
There are days when I don’t even like the ones I’m supposed to love.
I wake up each morning wondering, What am I supposed to do?
I want someone to tell me the answers but really, I need to figure this one out for myself. If someone else tells me what to do, it’s easy to not accept ownership; to blame others.
I scrubbed years of grease from my car’s upholstery and carpets. I saw the cracks and tears, the mottled colors. But my vehicle feels new.
I accept the scars and abuse my interior has endured; remembering how they got there.
…the time my youngest son thought my light gray leather interior was a drawing board and chose to write on our dashboard with Sharpie pen.
…the double phone charger at the bottom of the seat pocket, bought in Arizona outside the Grand Canyon, as the older boys constantly fought for the lone rear battery outlet.
…the indentations from the carseats all of my sons formerly sat in.
…the sticky markings on the car ceiling from the soda that exploded as we rose in altitude during a snowy Memorial day camping trip.
It took several hours to detail the inside of my car. Normally I take care of the exterior, the big things that people see, and sweep things under the rug to deal with another day. I have spent the least amount of time maintaining the interior. Thankfully, my hubs handles most things under the hood which allows my car to run.
When I drive my SUV, on a daily basis, I don’t see the outside. I live and breathe on the inside. A lot of my time is spent behind the wheel commuting to work, shuttling kids to/from school. My most meaningful conversations with my family occur within this car’s interior whether it be on short trips or long ones.
I was mistaken in thinking my house was my sanctuary. The reality is, my happy place is in my car…windows down, music blaring as yellow lines blur in open spaces. I love my solo commute to work but I also love people driving in my car with me to infinity, and beyond.
While reading the novel, The Girl Before by J.P. Delaney for our monthly book club, the line resonates.
You can make your surroundings as polished and empty as you like. But it doesn’t really matter if you’re still messed up inside. And that’s all anyone’s looking for really, isn’t it? Someone to take care of the mess inside our heads?
I finally took ownership of it. All of it. It is time to repair, clean and maintain my mental interior.
In dealing with a sticky situation, in one of the organizations which I serve, I found myself seeking answers once again. My goal is always transparency but the time has come for me to stand my ground, to stop having others tell me what to do based on past history. To filter and sort my words.
I know what I need to do. I trust my gut. And so my boundaries are becoming defined as I mentally prepare for uncomfortable and awkward moments to do the right thing. To handle the messy details. To not sweep things under the rug to help someone save face for appearances’ sake.
I must deal with my mental interior and sift through the clutter and detritus. To make things simple and wipe away at the years of neglect, accumulated gripes and pent-up frustrations.
I will let go of the idea that I must love what I do and shoulder the things life brings my way; to carry my own weight.
The reality of life is that there are many things we do not like to do, that must be done. To consistently wake up each and every day with the goal of trying to be the best person that I can be. And not just for me.
I strive to stop worrying about appearances and embrace the people whose relationships keep my cup full. The ones who make me get out of bed every morning who need me; and I, them. There will soon be a day where there will be no mess to pick up after (okay, maybe the hubs but someday, not even him). There are days when nothing needs to be repaired and all things are pristine.
I gaze over to my grease covered hubs as he labors beneath the machine with our employee. I don’t have to love what I’m doing every single minute of the day. I can do without the tenant drama behind our building, the broken gates, the shoddy workmanship from vendors, the not-so-reliable appliances at home and my broken kitchen tile.
The accumulated daily grime, through the years, builds and it’s time to spring clean and make it like new. Scars, flaws, head clutter and all.
Most days I don’t love what I do. But I work alongside the hubs, the one I love.
It’s never really been about the money, the candy and roses. It’s about going through the monotonous daily grind, through the years, with someone who loves me unconditionally and helps me take care of the mess inside my head.
I trust my heart. I own this.